Without You
by pat-rice10
Summary: The fight on the rooftop may have end with Raphael going to save his brother, but that doesn't mean that everything was settled. Months after that battle Raphael starts to think back to that night and how he feels on the matter. With his brother back in the leader position the red turtle can't shake the feeling that, even after months of training, Leo still isn't ready to lead.


**Authors Note**: So. I have always been a TMNT fan ever since I was a child, but my fandom has recently been renewed due to the new TMNT television series on nickelodeon. However, I grew up on the TMNT movies and although I fell that the new television series is cute and adorable and the plot line is fun and the character development is good as well-I just feel as if it is too kiddy. So my stories won't really be based on anyone world but a mix of all of them. This story inperticular is more based on the 2007 movie. Now, when I first started to write this I had had a oneshot in mind. But now that I have spent a few days on it I know that there is a much more developed plot line and I feel that I will continue to write but I may not upload the rest of the chapters. It all depends on the feedback that I am given for the story.

The woman in the story is not named for a reason. I am leaving it up to the readers to either allow it to be April or someone else completely. I know that if I cam to continue with the story that the woman will be given more of an actual character and she will be given a name. But until then just allow your imagination to feel in the blanks.

With that said, please enjoy. It's my frist TMNT story so if you feel as if I have gotten anything wrong please feel free to tell me. I am always apreciative of feedback.

* * *

"_Raph?" The surprise dripped from his face like the raindrops from the New York night sky, and Leo had to squint his eyes, scanning over the form of the unmasked vigilantly that turned out to be his own flesh and blood. Stepping towards his brother Leo leaned forward , brow furrowing. "What?" He was answered with a kick to the chest sending him hurling into a exhaust fan on the rooftop resulting in a __**clang**__. Catching himself he glared up at the red masked turtle, rain rolling of his scales like teardrops from his cheeks. _

"_You are SO smug y'know that?" Rapheal stated arms going up in the air. "You think the world revolves around you, don't ya; that we couldn't possibly survive without the mighty and powerful Leonardo to guide us through our problems huh?" _

_Leo ran an arm across his lips and spat to the side continuing to listen to his brother's monologue as he got back to his feet._

_"Well I've got a newsflash for ya; we got along just fine without you!" _

_It was Leo's turn to speak. "Oh, and THIS qualifies as 'just fine? Dressing up like it's Halloween every night? Risking the safety of our family? I mean come on! What were you thinking?"_

_Raphael points at him accusingly. "Don't push it Leo. You can't come back expectin' us to fall in line again like your little soldiers."_

_Leo caught the tone in his brothers voice and without missing a beat he spat back, only angering his younger brother more. "Hey! I was TRAINING." He started to pace. Stepping slowly Leo took his eyes away from his brothers, shaking his head. "Training to be a better leader!" Here he threw a hand in Raphael's direction "FOR YOU!" In exhaustion the blue turtle looked up to sky, rain pouring onto his face, and threw up his hands "Why do you HATE me for that?"_

_Raphael's arms go out to his sides. "And whoever said I wanted to be led? " Jabbing his thumb toward himself the younger of the two starts to walk as well, joining in the circling dance the two turtles were now partaking in. "I'm better off callin' my own shots now, get used to it!"_

_Pointing right back at him Leonardo goes into his authority mode, continuing to circle as well. The rain poured angrily on their green forms as if mimicking the turtles' frustration. "YOU AREN'T READY! You're impatient, hot-tempered, and more importantly-" He stopped his circling and paused turning to face his brother head on. Closing his eyes Leo took in a breath and spoke his next words sternly as if telling his brother this was to be the end of the discussion. "I'm better than you."_

_A cold laugh erupted from Raph's throat, one that would send chills down even the devils back. He wagged his finger at Leo. "Oh ya know something big brother I'd have to disagree with you on THAT one." He unsheathed his sai and took a fighting stance, a hand going out in a taunting manner as if saying 'Bring it'_

_Leo shook his head, unmoving. "Don't do this Raph."_

_Raphael's eyes narrowed and without hesitation or remorse stared down his 'leader' with enough hatred to feel the night sky above, he spoke, putting a stamp on the argument._

_"_**_I'm done taking orders." _**

It had been two months since that fight on the rooftop but Raphael could still replay the scenes as if it had happened only moments ago. He had been angry, and it was his anger that almost got his brother killed. Luckily him and his other two brothers were able to act as a team and bring Leo home. This was something that hadn't been done in a while; acting as a team that is. With Leo gone the balance of the group had been thrown off. Even Raphael could admit that. Which is why he had done his own thing. Being the Night watcher meant that he could do what he want when he wanted without having to answer to anyone. This was how he felt it should have been from the beginning.

Don't get him wrong, he loved his brothers, but there was just something that felt off. Raphael needed to be alone, and with Leonardo gone he was able to do that, but when he came back…

Raphael kicked a beer can over the edge of the rooftop, the clink clank of the aluminum echoing down into the alleyway before ending with a loud DING as it hit the stone pavement below. For a city that never slept it was unusually quite out. The beeping of horns was at a minimum to say the least and Raphael could imagine this being so because of the soft blanket of snow embracing the ground. This was a side of New York city that was seldom seen. Even a Giant needs a break. But Raphael didn't come out here for quiet. He wanted the loud scampering of the city streets to drown out his thoughts, but much to his anger and dismay it was having the exact opposite effect, however he couldn't return to the lair. He had made such a scene about leaving it would be an embarrassment to go back.

He shivered, bringing his hands to his beak of a mouth, blowing in an attempt to keep warm. His body heat was unusually low and he could feel himself slowing. It wasn't safe for him to be out during these brutal temperatures. But he couldn't go home.

After the whole fight with the immortal statues, things around the lair had gone more or less smoothly. Fighting was too a minimum, training resumed as usual and for once one could say that the four brothers were finally getting along. Or that's how it would seem. Of course that was short lived and soon after, the arguing started up again causing the two elder brothers to butt heads. Even in the aftermath of a near death situation there couldn't be a sense of neutral ground. Raphael blamed Leo of course. If the blue turtle would stop being such a pain in the ass with his nagging then Raphael wouldn't feel the need to lash out. He'd be able to tolerate things if Leonardo would just…listen.

Raphael began to shiver, an indication that it was time for him to head inside, but he wasn't going home. Leonardo would be waiting for him with a well prepared scolding in his arsenal. Probably something along the lines of how he should have worn a jacket or how he makes Splinter worry when he disappears, or some bullshit like that. It didn't matter though, all Raphael ever heard was 'blah blah blah your being stupid blah blah blah fight me.' Those last two words were never really said by Leo but that's what Raphael heard so he was sticking to it. No, going home was not an option.

Getting up Raphael brushed of the stray snow sticking to his form, holding back a sneeze He knew where he could go. It was a bit of a trudge but he'd rather make three mile trip than go back home.

Scaling down the wall Raphael landed on the ground below, feet feeling numb against the pavement. He glanced around once before skirting to the closest manhole and slipping underground.

Twenty minutes later Raphael emerged from the sewers and ended on the fire escape of an apartment. He did not knock, the window was open. With a gentle push of his hand the glass creaked inwards ruffling the curtains as a breeze brushed by. Peering back over his shoulder, making sure that he had not been seen Raphael slinked into the apartment, silently closing the window behind him.

There was no movement, no acknowledgement that he was there. It was two o'clock in the morning and he wasn't expecting her to be awake. It had been awhile since he had been over. The two hadn't been talking recently but he knew that he would always be welcomed here. Swallowing his pride with her was easier than it was with his family.

The bed sunk under his weight as he eased himself onto the sheets. There was a groan and a lump underneath the warmth of the covers shifted, voice cracking.

"Raphael…."

"….."

Pulling the blanket over her shoulders the small bundle shivered against the cool breeze that had disrupted her sleep. "The heating blanket is under the bed, if you want it." Squinting against the street lamp's light flooding in from the crease in her blinds she glanced over her shoulder and up at the humanoid turtle who had managed to position himself against her and the wall.

"I'm not stayin' long." He murmured meeting her gaze momentarily before shifting his eyes else where. "I was just gettin' some air…" He didn't mention anything about his argument with Leo or the freezing temperatures outside or how he had forgotten to grab his jacket. There was no need. That was a given. She was use to him slipping through her window during the late nights. She welcomed him and often didn't ask questions. She learned a while ago that questions would get her no where. When and if he was ready, he'd speak and he appreciated this. This was why he came back.

"Mm." she mumbled through a yawn. "At least dry off. You're soaking my sheets."

He sighed but removed himself from the comfort and warmth of her bed. Curling back up against her pillow she watched his shadowy figure make his way to her bathroom. The clock beside her flashed 2:05 a.m. Thoughts of the other three turtles flooded her mind and she made a mental note to go see them some time soon. It had been too long.

Raph emerged from the bathroom with a red towel in hand, one that she had designated as his. His fingers ran the plush cloth over his scaly body half heartedly before moving to his sai. With delicate strokes he cleansed them of the melted snow. Scanning over them once, then twice he determined satisfaction with his work and set them to the side.

"How cold is it out there." Raphael turned to see the woman looking through the blinds, a hand going to touch the glass. She pulled away from the frost touch of the window, shivering, and sunk back against her pillows. "It has to be at least twenty below."

The red turtle didn't answer as he crossed the way to the bed again. He paused as if contemplating whether or not he should stay, but the burn of the snow reverberated through his mind and without further question he sat down on the bed, keeping a careful distance between him and the girl underneath the covers. She noticed his demeanor but made no comment instead offering him a pillow. "Well are you going to sit there or lay down. Either way I'm going back to sleep."

"I said I ain't stayin' long."

"You aren't going back out there. Take a moment to allow yourself to breath. Jesus, you're fucking cold. How long where you out there?" Her hand had brushed against the back of his as she went to reach for the remote to the television. Her nose crinkled at the touch before glaring up at him. "You'd think with such a hot head you'd be able to stay warm."

"Look. I didn't come here to get lectured from ya. I get enough of that at home. If you want, I'll leave."

The room filled with light as the television flickered on. The remote landed in his lap.

"You'll leave regardless, so whether or not I'm lecturing won't mean shit." She turned away from him now, to face the wall, fingers clinging into her pillow. "At least stick around until you're body temperature goes back to normal. If you spend to much time in that cold you'll die. You know this."

"Again with the lecturin'." He said as he flipped through the channels. There wasn't much on during this time of the day but Raphael was able to find a rerun of an old boxing match that satisfied his taste. "You're worst than Leo sometimes."

"Whatever. Say that the next time you need a place to stay. Asshole." Yanking the blankets over her head she fell silent, ignoring the whispered cheers coming from the TV. Raphael made no more remarks and it stayed like this for a few moments.

Outside a car passed and there was the sound of sirens in the distance. All music to Raphael's ears. Underneath in the sewers the sound of the subway was heavenly, but it was nothing compared to the hustle and bustle of the top-side. It was beautiful.

Raphael looked at the girl at his side, leaning back against the wall above the bed. She didn't move, but she wasn't asleep.

"You haven't been to the lair lately."

Silence and then. "You haven't been here either. The sewers work both ways."

"I've been busy…" Was all he could muster. Which wasn't a complete lie. Now that the team was back together Splinter had increased their training sessions to three a days leaving little time for extra activities.

"Of course you have. You managed to find time to wonder the streets tonight. " He could see her rolling his eyes, but he didn't respond, turning back to the television. It was a commercial now something about some sort of light bright stuffed animals or something. It looked like a toy Mickey would enjoy.

"How have things been going with the guys." She finally asked a question he could tell had been on the tip of her tongue since the moment he got there.

"The usual. Donatello is still a brainy ach. Mickey a child stuck in a teenage body."

"And Leo?" She probed when she noticed him pause, shifting to look at him over her shoulder.

"A pain in the ass." He mumbled. Flipping off the TV Raphael tossed the remote control to the side, mumbling something along the lines of 'splinter junior' under his breath.

"_YOU AREN'T READY!…" _The fight on top of the rooftop came back to mind and Ralph had to control himself from getting angry all over again. "_You're impatient, hot-tempered…"_

"He's been back for less than three months and he just expects us to continue on like nothin' ever happened. Like his green ass didn't leave us."

"He was only doing what Splinter told him to do Raphael. You know that." shifting as his side she propped herself up on an elbow, watching the turtles expression to the best of her abilities with the little light that she had. His brows narrowed and a small snarl reached her ears.

"Splinter didn't tell'im to leave and be gone for fuckin' months. I don't care what he says. No amount of train' takes that long."

"Well, have you asked him? What took him so long to come back?"

"I don't have ta," he said grinding his teeth. "He's a selfish prick. He saw the opportunity to leave and he took it."

"_I was TRAINING…FOR YOU!" _

"That's not fair Raphael. You know that your brother loves you and your brothers. Whatever kept him away-"

"Why are ya sticking up for him."

"I'm not. I'm just saying that maybe you should think about things before going ape on your brother. He's always been there to protect and lead you guys. He's a perfectionist and he wants nothing more than to do his best to take care of you guys."

Raphael let a cold chuckle leave his lips causing the girl to frown. "Yeah. Our leader Leonardo."

Raking a hand through her untamed hair she rested her head back down against her pillow stifling a yawn while her other hand went to rest on the large turtles leg, rubbing his thigh in a comforting manor. "Look Raphael. I'm not trying to take sides. I just know how much this has been bothering you and it bothers _me_ to see you and your brothers at such unease with each other."

"Oh I don't have a problem with Donnie and Mickey. They haven't changed."

Clamping a hand on his thigh the woman scooted closer to her green skinned friend. He didn't protest only turning his head to look away. "Your brother was only doing what he needed. To be a better leader, for you."

I was training to be a better leader…for you

"Maybe I didn't ask to be lead. Not by Leo." It was a whisper, but she was able to manage what he said.

She sighed. "Raph…"

"Ya' know," She looked up at him, and by the light brushing against his face she was able to see the pain there. The inner turmoil, it showed just as clearly as the skin that painted his skin." …sometimes I wonder if splinter chose the wrong one. If he had chosen me, I would have come back as soon as I was done training because I'd know what I was train' for. _Who _I was train' for. I'd know that my brother's needed me. I'd know…" Here he paused, shaking his head. "Forget it."

"No Raph. Say it. You need to get this off your chest. It's just you and I here. You know that." He could feel her fingers rubbing against his leg again as she coaxed him into speaking. With reluctance he answered and a weight seemed to lift from his shoulders as he did.

"I'd know that my family is more important. Leonardo may have left to train for us but he stayed away for himself, and now that he's back all he wants is for us to do what _he _says. Like we're s'pose to forget that our _leader _abandoned us. What kind of leader is that? If that's who I'm suppose to follow I'd rather be by my own damn self…"

And there it was. The realization finally came out and it sounded so much sweeter now that it was spoken. Raphael had thought about this ever since his older brother had come home, and even more now that they were on shaky ground again. No, Raphael didn't want to be lead anymore. Not by Leo, and he was starting to show this more often these days. It was only a matter of time before things really got out of hand.

Hearing his confession the girl shifted to her elbow and Raphael watched as she pulled the covers to one side and got up at the foot of the bed. A lamp flicked on the far side of the room and grabbing her robe she slipped into the puffy cotton fabric before stepping into the hallway.

"I'm going to make some hot chocolate. Six marsh mellows right?" And with a simple but hesitant nod of his head the turtle watched as she skirted down the hall, robe flowing behind her, leaving him to wait for her to return.


End file.
